Just can't forget.....

Well, before I begin THIS post, want to say Thanks to Whim, Em, and Wiz, for the sympathy over the math homework, even if none of y'all are any better at math than I am. ;)

Whim has been posting about forgiving & letting go, and while my sitch is no where NEAR as major or traumatic as hers, I've just gotta post about something DH came home & asked last night...

So, we're planning this trip to Anchorage at the end of the month for DD's hockey tournament, and we've got the hotel room reserved, and DH is getting his new taneau (sp?) cover put on the truck today, so we've got somewhere to stash the gear & the luggage. And we're trying to figure out what to do about our mutts. Puck can be left outside in his kennel while we're gone, and we can ask the next-door neighbour to come over & feed him & water him & give him some attention. And Puck will be ok with that. Heck, if J. wants to take Puck for a walk, Puck even does good with that. He walks very well on a leash. He's a well mannered dog, except for chewing up things that appear to have food in them, or have had food in them recently. ;)

Jenny, on the other hand, is an inside dog. And she sleeps in a pet-carrier sort of kennel. That's her "safe spot". And we're somewhat unsure about what to do about her. I mean, she's a good dog, even if she also likes chewing on things she shouldn't. (Mom, forgot to tell you last night, Jenny most recently took one of the lower corners off my hope chest. So she no longer sleeps in our room, she's back to being confined to her kennel at night as well.) But she's hyper. Which is why my dad isn't really up to taking her for the 4 or 5 days we'll be gone. She gets along well with his dog, Shiloh, but they spend all their time together mauling each other. And Dad (and I agree) seems to think that during the hours Jenny would be out of her kennel, neither she nor Shiloh would get to eat, or relax..... And Dad has to work as well, so he wouldn't be home & awake for long stretches of time....

Well, the other option is to ask J., who's a retiree and home quite a bit. And he's got quite a way with dogs. Very good at training them, without breaking their spirit. Maybe he'd be willing to "adopt" Jenny for a few days, as well as keeping an eye on Puck for us. I don't know. We need to ask. (As a matter of fact, I should do that today.)

Well, so back to the subject of being unable to forgive & forget. My FIL suggested to DH yesterday that we seriously consider letting the SIL stay here while we're gone, and baby-sit the dogs.

Um........... Right off, I wanted to shout NO, and be done with it. No, no questions asked, no way in hell, just NO! But, I knew that wouldn't cut it for DH.

You see, his sister is a drug addict. She's clean at the moment. (And almost 2 months this time, which is not the LONGEST she's been clean, but her attitude this time seems different than the other times. Like she REALLY doesn't want a relapse this time.) She's got a crystal meth habit that's caused serious problems for her, for her boys, for her on-again-off-again relationship with the boy's Dad. And it's almost landed her @$$ in jail. Which may or may not be the best thing that could happen to her. But, for now, she's clean. And she's working 2 different jobs as a bar-tender at 2 different establishments, but doesn't drink so that she can drive herself to & from her jobs. Ok. That's great. Now let's get to why I don't want her staying in my home, esp. while I'm not here.

She's spent the last 5 years badmouthing me to the MIL and around town. Spreading rumors about me, telling everybody who knows me what an idiot I am. (Just the fact that I graduated HS and she didn't and I've had the ability to stay away from drugs, even while I've had the chances to do them, makes me shake my head ironically to this sort of gossip & slander from her.) She started verbally abusing DD as well as myself in her last couple of months of pregnancy with the older nephew. DD was 4-1/2 at the time, and after visits with the SIL would cry & ask why her Auntie D. didn't love her any more. And after the nephew was born, would cry when summarily pushed away from the baby, and yelled at for trying to give him a kiss or anything. As much as she's hated (for this reason) having younger cousins (and been adamant that she doesn't want a younger sibling, which is fine with me), she's always been very good with babies, and even her day-care providers wax poetic about how much of a help she is with the little ones. So, almost 5 years of verbal & emotional abuse from the SIL, and she's never apologized, or expressed any sorrow.

In fact, she seems to think (as does the MIL) that every time she gets clean and has a GOOD visit, we should automatically forgive & forget her bad behavior.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want her to be locked up for the rest of her life, and the key thrown away, and DD never to see her Auntie again. But, I don't want her staying in my house. I REALLY don't want her staying in my house, with MY dogs, with MY possessions, while I'm not here.

I chose to express my reasoning for this, last night, on her short stint of being clean, thus far. I told DH that while SIL is doing good, and seems sobered up (physically, mentally & emotionally), it's certainly NOT unheard of for addicts to steal from folks who've got pawnable things, in order to get the money for another fix. I told DH that while I'd hope that SIL won't relapse, I'm not sure I'm willing to have her come in & have access to our house & our belongings, knowing what could be pawned in 5 days time, without supervision. I told him that if she'd been clean for a year, and her attitude were still as sober as it is now, I may have a different reaction. But right now, I'm not comfortable giving her un-impeded access to my home & my belongings.

But, try as I might to explain it to him, he doesn't seem to get the emotional aspect of this for me. He knows (he's heard her) about her emotional abuse of DD & I in the past. And he knows she's never apologized for it. But, like his parents, if she's behaviong well now, then we should be willing to forgive & forget her past mis-behavior & abuse, and give her the benefit of the doubt, no holds barred. That may be fine for the inlaws. If they want to handle her past abuses of them that way.... Go for it. It's their mental & emotional well-being, not mine. But, I'm not like that. And I know I could get comments from some people (including MIL) about "Jesus said, turn the other cheek".... Ya know..... I'm not Jesus. I don't profess to be Jesus. And quite honestly, I'd fight tooth & nail if somebody was trying to string me up & nail me to a tree. Turning the other cheek..... Not so much.

I won't bring up past indiscretions to SIL's face, because I know it wouldn't do any good anyway, and I don't want to hurt DH's feelings. But privately, and even to DH behind-the-scenes, I have no problem putting MY mental & emotional health before SIL's mental & emotional health. DH even gets upset when I talk about standing up to SIL for myself & DD, because he's worried about his sister's feelings getting hurt. At christmas, when I bought an extra gift for DD, in case SIL "forgot" to get her a gift again, DH yelled at me over how upset his mom & sis would be, if I pulled it out of my bag & gave it to DD in front of them. I reminded him that if they're so immature & callous to forget to get DD a gift, then they don't deserve to have their feelings protected. But that, as a child (as MY child) my first concern is Her. I'm not out to protect MIL & SIL from getting hurt. I'm not their parent. I'm DD's mom, and SHE is my first concern. And I even reminded him that DD should be HIS first concern, seeing as SHE is his daughter. That SIL is a grown up and can fend for herself. It didn't wind up being necessary, to have that extra gift for DD. MIL & SIL did "remember" to get her a gift. And that extra I bought when back into my closet for future parties or something. But the point is there, DD & her feelings are my first concern, MIL & SIL's feelings come a lot further down the list.

And even if she did apologize tomorrow for her past behavior toward DD & I, I still wouldn't be willing to allow her to stay in my home, unsupervised, for 5 days. Because whether or not she ever recognizes & apologizes for the pain she's caused DD & I, she's still a drug-addict, and she's still not been clean for very long, in the scheme of things. (And she's got to apologize to BOTH of us. Apologizing to just me, or just DD, won't cut it. She hurt both of us, she needs to apologize to both of us.)

Anyway...... SOOOOOO minor a reason to be unwilling to forgive somebody, as compared to other people's problems. And not just Whim, but my Mom, and other friends (online & offline). I feel petty, being unwilling to forgive, but on the other hand, I feel that if I forgive then I've said that it doesn't matter, what she did. That it's ok that she's done this. And it's not. It's not ok, the way she acted to DD & I. And I won't forget, and I may not ever forgive. I don't wish her harm, or act uncivil toward her. But I protect my own, both my own health, and my own daughter's health. And for that matter, the safety of my home & my pets. That comes first, for me.

Ok, ranting done. I actually feel like I've gotten it off my chest, now. Not that I don't still feel the need for DH to understand. But at least, in typing this up, in publishing this post, I will have gotten out in the open (somewhere!) my feelings toward SIL.

Have a Blessed Day!