Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Wow!!!! It's been a while.....

So, I figured I'd better keep my hand in, and update this.

I've changed jobs 3 times in the last 9 months, first left the NP library for Waldenbooks, left Waldenbooks at the end of April for Ben Franklins, and left Ben's this past Friday for the main library in town. I hope to be here at my current job for a very, very long time. As in, long enough to go from lowly circ. page, to library assistant. And possibly wind up back at NP library as a library assistant sometime in the future. That is my ideal.

Tay's as ornery as ever, but she did pass first grade. From what I can tell, the teacher she's been assigned is the one for Second/Third (she loops with the kids) that takes the harder to handle children. Seeing as I know of 4 other children who were known to be somewhat off-beat characters who have been placed in this woman's class.... The fact that she loops with her class (giving them consistancy for 2 of the more formative years of education), and the fact that for the past 2 years she's had a class with no more than 20 kids (I don't know how big her class was before that, as Tay didn't attend school before then). Unfortunately one of her hard-to-handle classmates is a little neighbour girl who likes to cause problems for the other children in the neighbourhood, Tay included. So... I'm going to have to bring our concerns about her to the Teacher's attention before school starts. Not saying my child's an angel at all, but both girls are horrid liers and Tay knows she's easily caught, so she doesn't tend to lie when it matters, where as this other child still tries it, and is easily caught at it because she's so horrid at lying. LOL

It's been a busy summer, what with the job changes (finally have a position that will consistently allow me 2 days off in a row, Sunday and Monday), Tay playing baseball (first night of play-offs tonight, I hope our team can keep our hand in), and all the camping and fishing DH likes to do.

Sebastian (our husky-chow mix dog) died on May 10th of unknown reasons. I came home from work and when he didn't come out of his doghouse to greet me (he didn't always, but generally), I went over to peek my head in and tease him about being a lazy boy. He didn't move, didn't appear to be breathing, and I finally realized he was gone. As he was only 7 years old, it certainly wasn't old-age that killed him. There was no visible sickness or disease. All we can figure is that he had a sudden heart-attack or similar, like any slightly pudgy middle-aged man is capable of having. That was certainly a traumatic experience for the whole family, but it's been handled well. We still get sad missing him, but we are also able to remember the good times we had with him. Jenny (our samoyed puppy) seemed lost for a couple of weeks (she's 8 months old now, and as big as Bashy ever was), and really had a hard time with being left alone. She'd even freak if Tay left without me (went somewhere with Scott or my dad, for example), spending hours worrying about Taylor. I think she thought that if one of us left (as Bashy had "left" when I put him outside for the day, that morning) we might not come back. She seems to be past that now, though. Routine will do that for an animal.

Anyway, gotta get ready for work. Blessings. --Kati

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Argh!!!!!! Snow!!!!!

Well, wouldn't you know it. For all that I was going on yesterday about how lovely (and early) of a break-up/spring we were having, I wake up THIS morning and find that it's snowing. Still nice (just under 30 F), but snowing. And thick, too. Unfortunately it will make the roads very slick today, as well. *sigh* I mean, I'm not suprised..... This IS Alaska after all, but I was soooooooooo hoping for a steady warm-up to spring.

Anyway, gotta get off the pc and get dressed. Taking Tay to church for the first time in over 6 months. Mainly because it's Easter (and Tay's got a new easter outfit) and my dad has been nagging about when we're going to start going back to church (wouldn't at all, if I didn't have to listen to his nagging!). So, I figure we can show up for Easter, maybe every few weeks (couple of months), but I'm NOT going back on a regular basis. I'm so sick of the whole "holier than thou", "the world is coming to an end because everybody else has been BAD", and "women are the support of the church, but men are the leaders" acts.

Would you believe that the last time I went, they spent the entire time "praying" over a Psalm, and going into great depth over their individual righteousness-es (each person who prayed went on and on and on about how God has blessed THEM, and how good THEY are and all), and actively blasting and decrying other denominations (namely, Catholics, JVHS witnesses, Mormons, even Lutherans and Episcopalians) for their idolatry and satan-inspired worship practices/beliefs. When this young kid (ok, maybe 18 or 19 years old) who was visiting with a couple of friends (who are regular attenders) stood up and "prayed" that God remind "everyone" not to be like the Pharasees and stand praying outloud and being selfrighteous, the deacons actually YELLED at the kid to sit down, that he wasn't welcome to pray. *shaking head* I kinda ranted to my dad about it, after church, trying to get across to him how wrong it was, that scene in church that morning (and NOT the actions of the kid bringing up the hypocrisy), but Dad just commented on how that kid was probably a Mormon and going to Hell anyway, and that's why he felt the need to make a scene. *shaking head* Not the kind of church I want my child raised in, tell you what. Heck, the only church around here that I'd like to try out is the UU one. Try explaining THAT to my dad, though, without getting disowned. LOL

Goddess, that ended up being longer an explination of my feelings and a rant than I thought it would.

YEEEOUCH!!!!!! Just got my toes run over by a hyper puppy. Gotta go.


Saturday, March 26, 2005

Wow!!!! And tomorrow's Easter.......

I'm totally shocked at what a mild spring it appears we're going to have. The temps the last few days have hit 40+, sunny, mostly clear (or, with light, whispy clouds). The snow's melting (and we're not getting fresh inches every few days). Top it off, with Easter tomorrow, it really feels like it's going to be a great spring. I think that if Easter was going to be a couple more weeks away, we would probably have grass in time. Wouldn't that be cool!!!!!! Haven't seen that but once in the 20 years I've lived up here. (Grass and little snow in time for Easter, that is.)

Thankfully the puppy did pretty good sleeping last night, so I'm no longer terribly grumpy. Unfortunately she still insists on NOT becoming housebroken (peed in her kennel while we were eatting dinner last night, then again on the floor in my bedroom a bit later) and it's really making DH and I short tempered with her. I mean, we praise her for going potty OUTSIDE, and swat her for going potty INSIDE, you'd think she'd be getting the idea by now........

Got Tay's report card yesterday, and gotta say that I'm really, really starting to think something's going on in that kid's head that needs working out. Just don't know how to get through to her, the school councelor didn't call her in to talk to her (even though I've asked him to, in person), and we cannot afford (and don't know of any) a good private therapist. I mean, her grades went from mostly S's with a few H's, to mostly N's with a few S's. Even her music teacher said in the report that Tay's been argumentative and non-cooperative during music class. *shaking head* The scene on the home-front hasn't been any better, either. She insists on arguing over EVERY FREAKING THING. I mean, literally. Last Saturday we bought her a new pair of tenny-shoes (wrong spelling, I know, I don't care though), AFTER trying them on her to make sure they fit. She was going to wear them over to the IL's that night, but when we told her to tie them she threw a temper tantrum (yes, 7-1/2 and threw a temper tantrum over being told to tie her own shoes). Then she started complaining about how they hurt her feet, but when we told her to just wear her winter boots instead, she started screaming at us about how she wanted to wear these (uncomfortable, hard to tie, unwanted) tenny-shoes instead. I mean, she didn't want to wear them, but she didn't want to wear her boots, and she didn't want to wear an older pair of shoes. Just screaming at us for the sake of screaming at us. And it's been like that with toothbrushing too. I mean, the kid's got it down to 5 minutes -total brushing time-, and 5 minutes before time to brush she'll say she's going to hurry up and brush her teeth really well so she can _____ (get a story, watch American Idol, play with the puppy, etc), but when actually told that it's time to brush her teeth she'll spend anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes arguing and freaking about having to brush her teeth (and even if it's 7 pm, she'll complain about how she's too tired to brush). *rolling eyes* Really don't know what I'm going to do about her and her attitude, but it needs seriously adjusting and there is a part of me (some times a BIG part) that wishes I could turn her over to somebody else for the duration of her childhood.

I put in for a job at Ben Franklin Crafts as the local store is moving to NP from Fairbanks. With gas prices going up so horribly, I cannot afford to work at the book-store any longer (not to mention the incredible amounts of books I'm always bringing home *grin*). I did also go speak to the manager @ Ben's and introduce myself and let her know in person that I've got sales experience AND I want to work in NP. She said that she'll be getting to resumes this week, so hopefully I'll hear back soon about an interview. I warned DH that working around all that yarn likely means I'll be bringing large quantities of IT home (instead of the books I buy frequently NOW), and he just commented on how much cheaper yarn is than books. *shaking head* Silly, silly man!!!!!!

Heading to church for the first time in over 6 months tomorrow for Easter. *rolling eyes* Ah well, it keeps Dad happy if we show up every now and again, and gives Tay a chance to wear her Easter outfit (like, the one time a year she definitely gets a new dress/skirt-outfit). I'm wondering if I can get away with wearing my triple moon pendant. *grin* Not likely, but I wish.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Gotta go take the puppy outside and get more laundry done. Oh, and a load of dishes too while I'm at it. *sigh*


Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Yeesh, this is looking like a crappy day already!!!

Well, so far, 3 of my 4 housemates (namely: DH, DD, and the puppy) have managed to get themselves on my sh*tlist today. DH for insisting last night that the puppy not sleep in the bedroom any more because she's constantly (well, that's what HE says anyway) passing gas; the puppy for keeping me up ALL FREAKING NIGHT with her wimpering and whining, then waking DD up 15 minutes early; and DD for INSISTING on argueing with me over every little detail this morning as she was getting ready for school. The only other member of this household that is NOT on my sh*tlist is Bashy (our older dog).

I don't want to go to work today (so what else is new!!!! I miss my library job and wish I'd never taken this one). I wanna chain that puppy outside and stay home and nap all day. But, Goddess knows bills won't get paid if I'm not out there making minimum (or close to) wage. *shaking head*

Well, gotta get heading out. Just needed to rant.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Ahhhh, another -30 deg. day.....

Well, the temps have dropped again, confining us to the house, once more. When I went out to start up my car this morning before heading to work, it was -35 deg. F. Bbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody wanna come trade me places?????

Well, here I sit now, in relative peace and quiet, listening now to a cd of disney (and a couple of kenny loggins) "ballads". Was Highlights from Phantom of the Opera (which I've liked since I was a teen, NOT having to do with the new buzz about the movie), but that got over. *sigh* I cannot sing along to it as well as I once could. My voice is no longer firmly in the soprano range, much more an alto now than I was in HS. *sigh* Ahhhh, the good old days. But, except for air control (rather out of practice with controlling my breathing), I can still hit most of the notes Celine Dion does in her sweeping vocal ballads. Glad for that, at least.

Anyway, forgot to post that DH DID make up to me for my b-day. Monday afternoon after work he stopped at Willow Creak Clothing (a local store) and got me 2 (not 1, but TWO) magic scarves (a gold one, and a denim-blue one), a cinnamon candle in a heart-shaped "candy-jar", and a vanilla-sandalwood bath bomb. YEAH!!!!!! And the best part was hearing him say that he'd actually told the proprietress that he'd screwed up big-time with his wife's (my!) birthday, and this was to make up for the screw-up. Yep, hearing him eat crow was definitely the best part of it. ;) I did give him a hard time, though, Monday before he went to get my present. I reminded him that prior to my b-day, I'd mentioned a couple of "$25 or less" items that I would have liked, and getting me any ONE of them would have made me very happy. That I'm not an expensive or extravagant person. He looked rather sheepish and agreed with me. *wink* At least he got the point. And, though I do love the scarves and the candle and such that he got me, I reminded him that dropping 100 bucks on me for every occasion is NOT necessary. Heck, if he gets a great deal (ie: sale) on something I WILL LOVE (and, I'm very easy to shop for, and I drop copious hints prior to any occasion), then I don't really care how little he spends, so long as he puts some thought into it, and keeps me in mind.

Well, the puppy still isn't housebroken either. She decided to poo on the floor this morning just before I was going to head to work (I mean, literally, 2 minutes before I was going to put her in her kennel and walk out the door). Then just a bit ago she peed on the mat right in front of the door (inside). *shaking head* I think, at least, that last time that she was TRYING to get where she needed to go, but I was making dinner and Tay can't quite read the signals the puppy gives as to when she needs to "go". So, as I said, until I can take the puppy outside again, she's in her kennel, and I'm getting a little bit of a chance to get online. YEAH!!!!!!

Oooops, DH is home, so I better get busy finishing up dinner (chicken thighs and drum-sticks slow-cooked with a can of cream-'o-chicken and cajun seasoning).

Blessings. --Kati

Sunday, January 23, 2005

What a sucky birthday.....

Well, yesterday I turned 26. I haven't had that bad of a birthday in.......... Oh..... EVER!!!!!! I mean, even the horrid birthday parties my mom used to throw me as a kid were better than this. I woke up, got coffee for DH and myself, got Tay a bagel, and sat around waiting for SOMEBODY to remember it was my birthday. Finally after commenting on the fact, Tay remembered to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't even hear the words out of Dh's mouth till late yesterday afternoon. No present, though, because according to DH, he didn't have the time or money to pick me up a present in advance. Of course, he wanted me to stay home from Tay's hockey practice so he and Tay could go pick up a gift, but I knew my Dad would be there (albeit without gift, as he was coming straight from work), so I refused to stay home. Well, I at least DID get happy birthday wishes from my Dad, my Mom, and both of my sisters, and a happy birthday whisper from my 2 year old niece (who likes the phone, but not enough to talk on it very much). So, after getting home from practice at noon, DH sat around playing x-box games and watching tv for 4 hours, before deciding to make a run to the dump with trash. At some point while he was playing on the x-box, his grandma called (whom I'm usually close to, and who's never before failed to wish me an enthusiastic happy birthday). Instead of the usual birthday wishes that I was sure to hear, it appeared that she'd completely forgotten, and was instead calling to inquire as to whether or not I'd heard from MIL that day, and if MIL was doing ok. Well, DH caught me crying over that "straw" and asked what the problem was. WTF!?!?!?! Everybody's forgotten my birthday, including himself, and what is my problem!?!?!?!

So...... EVER SO THOUGHTFUL guy that he is, after dumping trash, DH stopped at the GROCERY STORE, bought one seriously F-ing ugly houseplant (I HATE houseplants, the constant watering and repotting and they still die, and they're not even attractive), a box of Valentine's chocolates, and a valentine's balloon, and brought that home for me as my birthday present. He even had the nerve to write in the card that he got me that the only reason he went to dump trash is so that he could pick me up something for my birthday. Then he had the audacity to be SHOCKED when I was insulted by a UGLY HOUSEPLANT (and he's been told before that I HATE houseplants, but I feel guilty if I don't make an attempt at least to keep them alive) and valentine's day chocolates and balloon. Needless to say, more crying insued, he had a hissy because I was upset over his gift, and Tay only THEN remembered to make me a card (which I love, but geeze.... put some thought into it PLEASE!!!!!).

After that, I get cleaned up (ie: hold a cool washcloth over my red eyes and face, get dressed up in my nicest outfit, put my hair up, and put on some jewelry) and we headed over to the inlaws to go out to dinner (it was supposed to be a combined b-day dinner for MIL, myself, and FIL, with FIL treating us). Well, I will definitely give MIL credit for being sick (nasty, nasty headcold from the look of it) when I say that when we got there she asked ME when my birthday was, then rushed to sign the birthday card she'd gotten me. *rolling eyes* She also didn't go to dinner with us, as she seriously looked like death warmed over. Dinner itself was incredible. We went to a resteraunt that DH and I had previously been to ONCE (several years ago), and we wanted to try it again. We were kind of shocked to get there and find 8 entrees, 4 appetisers, and 3 salads on the menu (and the kid's menu, for Tay, was: buffalo burger, PB&J sandwich, grilled cheese sandwich, and fish&chips). So, DH and I ended up sharing an INCREDIBLE escargot, as did FIL and Tay (and she realized she LOVES escargot, just as I always have). We each found an entree we'd like to try (and Tay got a caesar salad with grilled chicken instead of a kid's entree), and sat around waiting. Mainly listening to FIL quietly make fun of the uptight atmosphere of the resteraunt (which, it wasn't like that last time DH and I were there). Food came, and it was VERY, VERY GOOD!!!!!!!! I mean, DH had grilled halibut with tomatoes, black olives, green onions, and various other toppings with a lovely sauce, and rice. I had the MOST DELICOUS Pacific Coast Blackend Rockfish with sticky rice, some sort of yummy sauce, and skewered scallops (and a HEAD of steamed broccoli, just for me!!!!). FIL had Grilled Tenderloin over mashed potatoes with Portobello mushroom, and he said his was very, very yummy too!!!!!! (not that I had a bite of it, I keep my distance from mushrooms.) And dessert...... Ooooooooh........ Free dessert for FIL and myself, of course, being our birthday dinner. I had peanut butter pie in an almond crust with chocolate topping. FIL had what looked like a very yummy Bourbon Bread Pudding with Caramel sauce and Sugared Pecans. *moan* Damn that was good!!!!!!! And by far, the best part of my birthday.

Anyway, got home and it was back to the norm: Tay through a fit over brushing her teeth, took 45 minutes to do so, and by then I was crying again and she ended up putting herself to bed between threats to run away and wishing that she wasn't born. She had to be up at 6:30 for hockey this morning, and so far this morning has been a repeat of last night with her. Temper tantrums over the smallest thing (putting away the silverware as I washed dishes, taking a bath, getting geared for hockey....), and again, threats to run away.

Tell you what, I have always looked forward to my 26th year, have always had the sense that it would be a good year for me...... but now that I get here, I wish I could crawl into bed and never, ever get up. I don't want to talk to anybody.... I don't want to see anybody. And honestly, I'm afraid that when I go over to my dad's today and get the gifts he had set aside for me from himself and my mom, I'll end up crying even more over the wreck that was yesterday. If I tell the truth, and I will, I'm wishing I was never born (and now I've passed that legacy onto my daughter). It would be so much easier for everybody if I'd never been born and wasn't around to screw up everybody else's lives for them. No, I'm NOT going to commit suicide, I don't have the stomach for that sort of thing, but I will definitely admit that I'm feeling very freaking depressed and wish there was some way out that wouldn't hurt me our any body else. *sigh*

Ok.... I'll end this before I get anybody upset, or worried about me, or depressed along with me.

Blessings. --Kati

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Added a new family member....

Well, we adopted a puppy yesterday. She's this cute little, 8 week old, Samoyed puppy. We actually adopted her on Tuesday, technically, but weren't able to pick her up till yesterday, post-spay-surgery. It's also a good thing she's so adorable, because I'm honestly about to kick her butt if I spend another night with only 2 hours of sleep after listening to her wail and whine all night long (and honest to goodness, when she gets going, she sounds like a freaking emergency siren). She's, ironically, developed this attatchment to Bashy (our 7 year old, husky-chow mix male) and follows him around, attempting to do whatever he does, to the point of favoring her back leg when she sees him lift his up after being outside in the cold for a few minutes too long. She follows him outside, she follows him inside, she won't pee unless he's watching (well, not OUTSIDE the house, anyway, she's got no problem peeing inside the house, audience or not). *shaking head* She so badly wants to play with Bashy, but on the other hand, he's a middle aged dog who's rather mellow and has never been very playful. He doesn't quite know what to make of her. LOL

Got Tay's report card on Friday, and frankly it was pretty consistently bad news. She and her teacher agree, from different points of view, that Tay has a problem concentrating in class and that it's hampering her ability to learn. The teacher thinks that if Tay just tries harder, she'll pick up on the things she's missing. Tay seems to be of the opinion that the distractions of class-room-movement around her are too much to overcome at this point. And seeing as how things have gotten worse from first quarter to second, I'm inclined to agree with Tay. *shaking head* I'm trying to figure out if we've got enough $$ to check out Sylvan learning centers, my mom has recommended an Early Childhood Delay study, but I'm going to have a heck of a time persuading DH that this might be of some help (both in figuring out what's going on, and in getting Tay the help in school that she needs). But she's a smart kid, I just don't get why she's having such a problem. None of her past day-care providers, teachers, Drs, or other adults who've come in contact with her think she's ADHD (though there is a family history of this), and even her current teacher thinks it's a long stretch to say she's ADHD. She's proven she can concentrate, she just needs a smaller group of class-mates, and a quieter place to learn, I think. I don'tk now if that's a developmental delay, or what. *shaking head* So, I'm trapped between a rock and a hard spot: a child who's failing to thrive in an academic setting, and a husband and school system who are of the opinion that it's ok to wait and see what comes along naturally, rather than trying to intervene before things take a drastic turn for the worse, one that may not be re-directional. *sigh*

We had 1-1/2 days of nice warm weather, but by last night the temperature dropped drastically again, and we have been between -15 deg. F, and -35 deg. F. today. It sucks, and the forcast is for another 4 days of this kind of cold temperatures, which also means ice-fog again. Goddess, I hate that stuff!!!!!!! I'd rather see another 6 inches of snow, than ice-fog for the next 4 or 5 days.

Ok, that's it for now. Need to take the puppy for a "walk" again. Don't want any more accidents on the floor.

Blessings. --Kati

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Blahhhh, another nasty day!!!!!!!

So I woke up this morning, got Tay ready for school (and she was up before her alarm clock, so excited to start back for the new semester), went out to start up my car, and NOTHING. Darn thing wouldn't turn over. Why???? Because it was -42 deg. F. Well, I figured that it might just be that it wasn't plugged in until about 7 am this morning (DH unplugs his truck after starting it to head to work, and plugs in my car), and here I was trying to start it at 8:15. So, gave it a half hour, went out to try again, and nada, nothing, zilch. Some "ur, ur, ur, growl, ur, ur" sounds, but it won't turn over. Well, continued trying every half hour or so, and nothing happened. So, my last attempt was at 11 am, and still won't start, so I won't be going to work today. Ironically, though I don't care for my boss that much, and get terribly bored at work when work-days are as slow as this one was promising to be, I feel bad for not being able to get my car to start and head in. I really hope it starts tomorrow morning (and DH is going to rig up a second plug-in when he gets home this evening).

But that also means that I cannot get to the grocery store today and get groceries for the week (no milk, no ingredients for lasagna, no fresh fruit for Tay's lunches, no fixin's for dinners for the rest of the week, none of it, not tonight). And it means that even if DH finds out that we can go look at the 3 American Eskimo pups up for adoption at the animal shelter, Tay and I won't be able to go in and do that tonight. DH could probably go ahead and make an appt. to see them on a future (read, later this week) day, but not today.

And, to top it off: Tay's school nurse called this morning and said that Tay's got the start of an ear infection and I probably ought to see about getting her in and on antibiotics. First off, SHOOT!!!!!! LOL I knew something like this would happen when DH told me that we'd be without insurance for a month due to him changing jobs..... I had figured it'd be Tay's asthma, though, and stocked up on her meds for that. Secondly, though, I really don't know that I want to put her on antibiotics for this ear infection. I'm more inclined to send a bottle of tylenol with her to school for the nurse to dole out, and treat the pain, and let the infection work itself out. She's been on antibiotics (strong ones) in the past for ear infections that wouldn't go away with amoxacillian (and sticky fluid build-up from ear-infections that went un-mentioned by her). I don't want to see her build up a permanant resistance to antibiotics, in case she has a true emergency somewhere down the road. So, my personal leanings are to treat the pain, and hopefully the ear-infection will work itself out. If that can't be done, I guess we'll be forgoing Tay's ENT's office for the local low-income health center. *sigh* Not my first choice (would rather keep all of her records with the same office, instead of spreading it around town), but I've gotta do what I've gotta do.

So.... anyway..... that's how my day is shaping up. On the other hand, I can get laundry done, and dishes, and maybe even some crocheting and a movie watched. *grin* Gotta find something good about being stuck (literally) at home all day. *wink*

Blessings. --Kati

Monday, January 10, 2005

Just to keep in the swing....

Ok, I know that habits are both hard to break and hard to make, and in an effort to create the habit of blogging regularly, I'm writing this short note today.

The weather today SUCKS!!!!!!! Not because we're getting the snow-storms (not this week, anyway, though we did last week) that the lower 48 states are getting, but because it's almost -40 freaking degrees below 0. Yes, that's right folks, I said -40 deg. below 0 Fairenheit. Literally the point where the moisture in the air crystalizes and becomes ice fog. And I kid you not, this kind of weather is so cold that if you take a hot cup of coffee outside and throw the coffee up into the air (out of the mug itself), by the time it hits the ground, it will have frozen. *shaking head* I wanna visit my mommy in Hawaii!!!!!!! *whimper*

So, DH hasn't said anything to me today about our fight yesterday, and I highly doubt he will, either. He'll just pretend that it was never said, and that nothing is wrong, and then will wonder why I don't feel like talking to him, or being affectionate with him, etc. *shaking head* And 2 months down the road, when I try to say the same things as last night, he'll rage about how I'm making things up and getting my panties in a twist about nothing (his attitude, not my take on it), and act like it's the first he's ever heard of my feeling this way.

No, I'm not planning on divorcing him, or leaving him..... I don't want to disrupt Tay's life that way, and I honestly don't have the money to do something like that. I truly am unable to make such a drastic change at this point. And honestly, I still love the jerk..... think he's a jerk, and not all that attracted to him physically when he treats me so disrespectfully and ignores my feelings and thoughts, but for whatever reason, I still love him. *sigh*

Anyway..... that's my blog post for the day. It's actually pretty easy to come up with something to post lately. Actually easier than when I was a teen and tried to journal and found I didn't quite have enough teen angst to fill more than 2 lines of a diary page. *rolling eyes* Back to reading Witch Vox.

Blessings. --Kati

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Grrrrrr.... complete lack of respect!!!!!!!

First time blogging, so bear with me.

I'm completely sick of this lack of respect from my husband. I know about the whole "you teach people how to treat you" bit, and while I don't like Dr. Phil, I agree with this statement of his. But why the F*CK is it so hard to get them to start treating you differently?!?!?!?! Why can't my husband accept that I AM NOT the same person that he married 7 years ago (hell, neither is HE!!), and I'm changing (have changed) and there are other things that I'm trying to get across to him, that he just won't accept. NOT hard things. I'm not expecting him to take me traveling around the world just because I get a little stir crazy in good old North Pole. I'm just expecting him to actually listen to what I say, and give me some freaking respect and understanding.

Noooooooooo!!!!! Of course that's not going to happen. The only time he ever winds up agreeing with my thoughts are when his dad winds up saying the same thing. I swear to Goddess, his daddy could say the moon is green, the sky is pink, and grass is made of gold, and my husband would believe him. If I say it, though, I'm a nutcase, unless his daddy says the same damn thing!!!!!!!

Take the most recent in the list of URGH moments. I said that SIL's 2 year old son is a spoiled PITA (which, though he does have his sweet moments, he is definitely SPOILED and completely undisciplined). Well, DH agreed with me for about 5 minutes, until FIL started going on about how the poor kid's daddy isn't in the picture, about how the PITA is the way he is because SIL refuses to discipline him (NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!!), how he's just 2 (and soon he'll be 3, then 4, then 5.... how long are they planning on using THIS excuse?!?!?) and so on, and so forth. Forget the fact that DH knows that the kid's better off without his daddy, who'd have the PITA ripping hub-caps off of vehicals inside of 2 years, if "daddy dearest" was still involved in the kid's life. Forget the fact that MY baby sister is a single mom, too, and doesn't hesitate to discipline her own child when called for, even without a hubby to back her up. NOPE, I'm a total bitch because I refuse to accept and allow this child and SIL to walk all over me like FIL and MIL and DH prefer to. It was only when FIL's best friend started saying the same things I've been saying for month's now, that DH actually agreed that I might be right!!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!!!!! Like I can't use my own two eyes and come up with a reasonable explination and concept for why this is going on, and what I should do about it (stop going over to the inlaws, and refuse to let my daughter be exposed to the lack of discipline in that household)?!?!?!?!

Since WHEN am I incapable of a coherent thought, just because I'm female?!?!?!?!?! So........ I try sitting down and calmly explaining to DH (and I DO NOT mean dear!) that I'm feeling disrespected (and, as I said, this is only the latest occurance of this sort of behavior) and I don't understand why FIL can say it, other guys can say it, but it's meaningless if it comes out of my mouth. You'd have thought I'd just told him that I thought my MIL was a whore and that FIL banged sheep for the way DH went off on me. (And no, I do NOT think MIL is a whore, lacking in common sense - yes, but not a whore. And I do NOT think FIL bangs sheep, a chauvanist pig oftentimes, but not the other.)

And now, I'm wishing that instead of ever telling my friends that I was interested in him (DH), when I started that job at the fair, that I'd just made a mental note of how cute I thought he was, and walked on by. Unfortunately, 7 years into the marriage, with a 7 year old child, it's a little too late for realizations like that. Wishing I could leave, but realizing that so long as he's not abusing me or DD, I'm better off sticking it out till I've got a college degree, a better job, and DD is capable of being a latch-key kid instead of huge day-care bills.

So..... here I am at 11 pm, Alaskan time, typing my first entry on a brand new blog (which I'd never intended to get, but it was the only way to comment on a friend's blog post).......... Well hell, was going to say that I hope you all don't think I'm completely nuts, but what the f*ck do I care if you do think that!?!?!?!

Ahhhh hell....... I've gotta go to bed. Gotta get up for work in the morning. Blessings. --Dragonfly