Sunday, July 20, 2008

What a CRAPPY Day!

Yesterday, I mean. It didn't start out bad. I got up at 10:15 and started to get some bread going. FIL came over and helped Scott put the new front door on our house. It looks nice, just needs to be re-insulated, cauled around, and an extra piece of wood fit under the outter edge of the threshold as that extends over the edge of the house a bit more than the last door-threshold did. (IE: now if you step on it, it causes the metal threshold to bend. So, a piece of wood bolted in place underneath will support the threshold's outter edge.) Anyway, that's one major job (almost) done. Should make for a considerably less drafty house this winter. Oh, and when Scott and FIL took the edging from around the door LAST weekend, they found that when the door was set in place by the builders, they only marginally insulated around the door. Shoved tiny bits & pieces of insulation (the pink type) into about 10% of the space that needed to be insulated, in a piece here, a piece there fashion. Also, the door was framed in so poorly that you could see (even MY untrained eye could see) how unevenly it was done, how they could have shimmed it in a bit more, how the frame was bowed OUT because they left large gaps with no shimming for support. VERY poorly done.

But anyway. It looks nice now, and the window in the door lets SO much more light into that corner! Though the FIL got satisfaction over ribbing me about how he felt the window is pointless considering I'm too short to look out it to see who's at the door. Har. Har. *rolling eyes*

**********

No... So that part of the day went ok. I wasn't even TERRIBLY upset over only having $40 to spend on grocery shopping for the next two weeks. I was smart and started stocking up well ahead of time, knowing that there were going to be pay-periods like this coming. Of course we still have to buy fresh stuff like milk and fruit and veggies, but I've actually put away a good bit of meat in the freezer, some frozen veggies and such in the freezer, and plenty of canned goods, including fruit and veggies. I've also got a hefty supply of bean-soup mixes, split peas, and wheat & cornmeal for breads. So, the skimpy grocery-shopping budget yesterday didn't faze me very much either. (I just don't like the thought that we're down to pocket-change, in case something major comes up. THAT'S what gets to me!)

No.... What turned the day into a crappy one yesterday was the wedding and the things that surround it. Oh. It was nice seeing DT (his initials, and normally pronounced "deet" by his friends and family, as he shares the same first name with his step-sister's hubby) finally settling down with a NICE girl. I hope and pray he and Cindy do well together and treat each other well and are determined to stick with each other even through tough times. So, I'm happy for them.

What sucked, though, was dressing up for yet another wedding and then being COMPLETELY ignored by my hubby. Mind you, I don't normally dress fancy. There's little call for it on a day-to-day basis. I normally wear jeans and t-shirts. Those jeans and t-shirts are usually in varying stages of wear and stain. That's fine. I'm a slob on a day-to-day basis. That's just how it goes. I'm always spilling food down the front of me, or kneeling in dirt, or slopping myself with dishwater. Why dress up only to ruin nice clothes?!?! So, I just don't most of the time.

But, for weddings, for mother's day dinners out, for my class reunion last summer.... Yeah, I dressed up nicely for these events. And I know that some of my older readers will remember how upset I was LAST summer after another wedding, when my hubby completely ignored me and didn't once tell me that I looked pretty. (Oh, he'll say stupid, insipid things like "you look ok" or "that looks fine" or even "that's nice". But, I don't even know that I've heard him tell me I look pretty since we got married almost 11 years ago. And I KNOW I've never heard him tell me I look beautiful.) Anyway..... I HATE being a vain creature. I know that vanity is stupid. But DANG IT! Once in a while a girl just needs to hear it. And the best is to hear it from the man who supposedly loves you best. The man who chose you to be his bride.

It's kinda funny..... I try my best to put on a good mood and face for the patrons at work. I get these older guys who compliment me frequently on my good nature and beautiful smile. Old guys who don't know me. But I just don't believe them. If I've got even a beautiful smile (forget the rest of me, even just focus on my smile) why does my husband never tell me so?!?! I was never the pretty one growing up. That was my baby sister. Strangers sometimes compliment me on my smile, but I never hear anything of the sort from my hubby. I guess even when I try to dress up and look pretty, and even for a moment think that I MIGHT look pretty..... When it comes down to it I just feel like such an ugly slob and I HATE that. I HATE that it's been so rare in my life that I've been complimented on how I look that I don't even BELIEVE folks (strangers) now when they say it, because those closest to me, who mean the most to me, never see it or say it.

And I HATE that I'm so insecure and vain that I feel like I need to hear it occasionally. I'm GLAD folks don't focus on my looks, I'm glad that I'm MORE than just how I look. But DANG IT! It really hurts to NEVER hear from one's hubby that one looks pretty. Forget "beautiful" or "ravishing" or "outstanding". I know those will never apply to me as far as my hubby is concerned, but "pretty" once in a while would be good to hear. Thing is, I also don't want him to say it if he truly doesn't mean it.

Anyway, so he was complimented over and over yesterday by everybody about how handsome he looked in a tux. (Though incredibly stiff. *grin* He was afraid of popping the seams in the elbows and winding up having to buy the tux.) I even told him to take off his sunglasses because as hot as he looked in that tux, he shouldn't be hiding his great eyes behind sunglasses. (Esp. as he wasn't hung-over and red-eyed. *wink*) Not once did he think to tell me that I looked pretty. Hell, he didn't even bother with a "you look nice" yesterday. NOTHING. And when his friends were all snuggling with their wives, he was completely ignoring me, giving me the cold shoulder, even pulling away when I'd lean against him or try to be sweet to him.

Finally after the wedding, while the wedding party was in getting their pictures, Tay decided she wanted me to run her home to change clothes because she was cold. Since it didn't evidently make ANY difference that I was dressed up nicely (and freezing!) myself, I went ahead and changed into jeans and a t-shirt as well. (Might as well be comfortable at least, since it didn't matter if I looked nice evidently.) I got back and Scott turned his parents camera on me to take a picture of me. I told him to knock it the hell off because if he didn't want to bother with pics when I WAS dressed up, then he sure as hell didn't need to go taking pics of me when I looked like a slob once again. He finally realized that he'd F***ed up. Then of course he starts running after me with stupid, insipid "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and "what did I do?" type comments.

I told him, and he said "oh, yeah, you looked pretty! I thought you KNEW!!!!" *shaking head* Then he got all pissed at ME when I told him that if I NEVER hear from him that I look pretty (much less "beautiful" or "hot") how the HELL am I supposed to know?!?! He got pissy with ME that I was standing there doubting his truthfullness, when it winds up that he only compliments me when I come right out and point out that he hasn't in years. Then he tried telling me that he DID compliment me last summer at Tony & Casey's wedding. Or at my reunion. Or at Mother's Day this year. NONE of the times did I ever get more than a "oh, you look fine" or "that looks nice" out of him. And yet he was all pissy with me when I told him that I hear it SOOOOO infrequently that I'd remember if he DID say it, unsolicited.

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother. I really, REALLY just wish I'd stayed in bed yesterday morning. Played sick instead of trying to go to another wedding where I'm just going to be disappointed.

Then he played all offended for about an hour until we went back into the grange for the dancing and cutting-of-cake..... Only after everybody else and their sweeties were on the dancefloor, slowdancing to Aerosmith's "Don't wanna miss a thing", did he come over and ask me to dance. For the first couple of years of our marriage, at weddings or company christmas parties, I'd comment that I'd like to go dance and he'd always say "oh, I don't dance!" and sit like a lump on a log. 11 years of this. FINALLY he came over and asked me if I wanted to dance. I just told him that I've wanted to dance with him before and he never wanted to bother dancing with ME. NOW..... NOW when I'm pissy with him, he wants to do it just to appease me. I told him it's too little, too late. He cannot say "oh yeah, you looked pretty" after the fact, ONCE and expect me to believe it. And he cannot turn me down for dancing for 11 years then decide to suck it up and ask to dance with me ONCE and expect me to actually want to go out on the dancefloor with him.

And again..... It's ALL my fault, of course. He's pissed at ME for being upset. *shaking head*

It comes to days like this where I just wanna crawl back into bed and cry. I cannot figure out..... Why the HELL do I love a guy who treats me so negligably so often, in hopes that he'll occasionally say he thinks I'm pretty, or ask me to dance. WHY do I continue to hold onto hope?!?!?! Sometimes I feel like I should just call it quits and leave him. But then.... DANG IT. I DO love the dumb-ass for some freaking reason I just cannot figure out right now!

THEN he accused me of wanting to leave and just picking a fight so that I'd have a reason to leave him and move to Spokane to be nearer to my family. *shaking head*

YEAH. I'd be getting SO amped about this damned job if I was planning on leaving. YEAH! I'd be looking forward to getting that pretty new door put in to keep the house warmer if I was planning on leaving. YEAH! I'd be out there freezing my butt off watering and weeding my plants if I was planning on leaving. But nope, once again he's turning my hurt feelings around and making it out as if _I_ am looking for reasons to leave.

Anyway. I'm just so sick of weddings. The next time any of our friends get married, he can go without me. The next reunion or party, he can go without me (or I can go without him). I'm sick and tired of this. I'm REALLY burnt out on trying. I'm really discusted with myself, as well, for NEEDING to be told that he thinks I'm pretty. That he notices that I've lost some of my excess weight and it looks good "on" me. He notices with other women. He noticed and made all sorts of raving comments about the neighbour across the street, how hot she looks now that she's lost weight but he either doesn't notice or doesn't care when it's me.

*sigh*

Anyway. On top of all that, I had started a couple of loaves of Golden Egg bread yesterday, and I let the dough rise nice & slow for the first rising, and it was looking good. The second rising, though, I put it in the oven (off!) while we went off to the wedding, not figuring that it'd be 5 hours before I'd get home to it. Well, I GOT home at about 10:30 (walked home because I needed space and time to think) and found that the dough had risen AND fallen. So I swore a bit, kneeded in a little more yeast and more flour, and set it back into the cool oven to see if it'd RE-rise again. No such luck. So on top of being OUT of money, I wasted over 4 cups of flour, 2 eggs, and almost a whole stick of butter on a couple of loaves of bread that we don't get to eat after all. I tossed the dough in the trash this morning.

Yeah. Crappy, CRAPPY weekend! And today it's rainy again. And cold enough (about 40 deg.) that I REALLY don't want to get out working with my compost bin like I know I need to. I NEED to get the top layer taken off, and use the underlayer on my potatoes (which are growing faster than I can keep up with). But it IS cold enough that I just don't want to be out there doing so. *sigh*

Anyway.

Hope y'all are having a Blessed Weekend! Or at least one that's a darned sight better than mine has been.

8 comments:

Gina said...

HUGS!

I know how you feel (from my perspective of similar experience) and I don't think it is vanity even in the slightest. These are the men we chose to spend a lifetime with, they are our mates and from time to time it is good to hear that the flame is still alive.

I bet you were gorgeous. he took that for granted (some {most,I would even wager} men just don't always think like that about the effort it takes to look dressed-up pretty). I think you were beautiful in your vacation pictures, so you must have been stunning in a formal setting.

i really hope he makes it up to you!

Also, I hear you on the living on change until next paycheck thing. It's been a rough year for so many of us financially!

Connie Peterson said...

Sorry you had such a lousy time at the wedding. I hate dressing up and going and Norm has never (well, once) said I am pretty ... but the one time he did seems to last for the rest of the time - cause I ASKED him when someone on my blog said I was and he said I was pretty inside and out!!! But I am fortunate that even though he never SAYS it, he acts it - he is gentle and kind and treats me like a princess - he puts my coat on for me, he lifts my hair (should it be down) to go over the collar. He does so much for me (with my knee, now, even more) that shows he loves me even if he doesn't say anything about my looks.

I would hope that you and Scott can reach an understanding about your differences - perhaps the two of you could go off for a weekend alone and have your own private "counseling" session where neither gets mad and you TALK ... otherwise, why DO you love him?

Blessings and love

barefoot gardener said...

Sounds to me like Scott is too wrapped up in his own insecurities to notice that he could be more sensitive to yours.

Men baffle me...if he is so worried that you are up and gonna take off on him why isn't he doing everything he can to make sure that you are feeling happy and loved where you are? At least he made some kind of effort, even if it was "too little, too late".

whimsical brainpan said...

LOL! Sounds like you and I have the same wardrobe. But you are right your hubby should say something when you are all gussied up and looking fine. I don't think it is vain to want to be appreciated.

And given the fact that I have seen your picture (not to mention your hubby never compliments you anyway), I think those compliments you get on your smile are genuine.

Don't take it too personally. Men can be awfully damn dense when it comes to such things.

And stop beating yourself up over wanting to hear the person who is closest to you say something nice. Everyone needs that kind of positive gesture now and then.

Sorry about the bread. :-(

sammy_bunny said...

{hugs}

I don't understand them either. Maybe he'll be a bit more free with compliments now that you've said something. But you'll have to accept his (feeble) attempts graciously or else he'll just shut down again.

Celticspirit said...

Kati,
Men can be clueless at times. That does not mean they don't love us, or care. They simply don't get it. Their brains work differently than ours. I wouldn't take it too personally. We can't change them either, we can only change ourselves and the way that we react. I've learned over the years (mostly over the last couple of years) that we have to be more open in sharing our feelings and say what we are thinking or what we want. People too often take each other for granted. What works best for me....and what I do with Russell....is just treat him the way I'd like to be treated myself. It has made such a difference. I'm getting better at telling him what I want and need. It took me way too long to learn this and it took us being apart to learn this. I hope this does not sound preachy...I didn't mean for it to be that way. Just sharing what I've learned. Blessings.

Tori_z said...

Unfortunately, you can't choose the person you love. And, even more unfortunately, some people get so comfortable once they get married that they assume their partner knows how they feel and forget (or don't realise) that their partner does need to be reminded once in a while.

I'm sorry Scott seems to be one of those people. *hugs*

Fr. Peter Doodes said...

Yup, I agree, we are dense and clueless, but I think celticspirit has my gender sorted.

The last time I was told I looked good regarding my clothing colour match it was followed by the words "it must have been an accident".